A Friend as Good as Me
by mcobsessed007
Summary: Post 9x01 closure. Mark and Derek's friendship, from the very beginning, through Derek's eyes. How did they meet? How does Derek really feel about certain events on the show? How does he deal with his grief? Warning: Spoiler Alert! Do not read if you have not seen 9x01! Amusing but sad.


**A/N: Hope everyone's doing okay after the SP. This is my much-needed closure. Basically, it's Derek's view of his relationship with Mark from the beginning, and the way he deals with events from the show and with his grief. I needed to say goodbye to Mark, and I needed to give him some more time with Derek, and I wanted to show what Derek thinks about their relationship, since he doesn't always say much about it on the show. Enjoy! **

**Disclaimer: I am not awesome, and therefore I am not Shonda Rhimes, and I do not own Grey's Anatomy.**

At first, you're annoyed when your first grade teacher makes you sit in alphabetical order. Somehow, all of the other kids seem to have last names in the first half of the alphabet, so you have to sit in the back row. The blackboard and the pretty blonde girl you saw on the school bus both seem very far away. Plus, on your right is Johnny Samson, who smells, and on your left is Mark Sloan, who is well-dressed but seems a little angry and a little tough. By the end of the day, however, when you've gotten up the courage to introduce yourself to Mark and the two of you eat lunch together and trade baseball cards during recess and spend the afternoon whispering about the teacher's mole, you're okay with the back row after all.

Over the next few days, weeks, months, and years, you learn basically everything there is to know about Mark. You truly understand why he's angry at the end of third grade, when he doesn't even bother to invite his absent parents to the Boy Scout celebration. This, of course, is before the two of you get kicked out of Boy Scouts by scaring everyone repeatedly during the overnight in the woods. When you finally go to his house for the first time in fourth grade, you see that it's very big and very fancy and that he wasn't lying about being rich, but you also understand why he always wants to play at your house instead of his, and why he prefers to sleep on the extra bed in your room and risk getting jumped on every morning by your little sisters instead of sleeping in his very nice, but very big and empty room, in his very big and very empty house. When he becomes a football player in tenth grade and sleeps with a girl for the first time, you're the first to know, and then you hear about all of the cheerleaders he's sleeping with. You know he's not just doing this because he's attractive and likes sex, but you never say anything to him about it. Instead, you make fun of him, and he mocks you back about how you're never going to find a girl to sleep with until you're thirty (nineteen, but he mocks you mercilessly then too), because that's just how the two of you talk (or don't talk) about things.

Separating for college is harder than either of you will ever admit, but he still comes home to your house for holidays, and you visit each other a few times a semester and go to parties together (well, not _together_, because you're both bringing girls, but you both know it's more about the two of you chilling together and less about the dates). Then you both decide to go to Columbia for med school, and you rent an apartment in the city together (and you either leave or try not to notice when Mark brings girls home, but usually he goes home with them anyway), and Mark gives you advice about how to approach the redhead you met on the first day in anatomy class (you don't listen to half of the advice because Mark won't know anything about relationships for years, but it's nice that he cares enough to help). He helps you figure out your proposal, and you only ask him to best your best man as a formality, because really? You both know he's the only one you'd pick. And when he helps you get ready on your wedding day and stands next to you in the church, you both know (but you obviously still don't say anything) that he's the best man, but he's also the best friend who's always made it a little easier not to miss your dad as much, especially during moments like these.

Even though your lives are radically different now, as you figure out how to mention kids to Addison and he continues being well, Mark, you're still buddies. You work together and you hang out after work together, and every so often, he's the one person you can talk to about how married life isn't exactly what you thought it would be. And even as, after eleven years, you know that there's a distance between yourself and Addison that you just don't want to deal with, Mark is still your best friend, your brother.

Which is why it's so heartbreaking and painful and tragic and upsetting and sickening and shocking when you find his jacket on the floor and know that your brother's betrayed you by sleeping with your wife, and your wife's betrayed you by sleeping with your brother. And why you have to get as far from New York as you can. And why you don't want to work things out with Addison at first when she comes to Seattle. And why you punch Mark, and why you can't talk to him for almost a year. You're hurt and sad and angry that your wife cheated on you, that you both let your marriage get so bad that she turned to someone else. But there are no words to describe how you feel that for the first time Mark, who has always been there for you, has hurt you so deeply and so personally.

Eventually though, after he sits with you while you cry about Meredith, reminding you of the weeks after your dad died when only Mark could get emotions out of you, and after you find out that it wasn't just sex, that Mark had feelings for Addison, the ice starts to thaw and break a little. And when he admits that he came to Seattle for you, and you talk to him about Meredith, he becomes your buddy again, and you're talking and joking and discussing the women in your lives (Meredith, Sydney, Rose, the nurses). Eventually, he even becomes the person you tell that you're going to propose to Meredith. And then he tells people, and you can't help but feel betrayed, because he slept with your wife, and now you know that Mark has the ability to hurt and betray you, and you've been just a little wary ever since, but you ask him to help you with your cliché proposal anyway.

And then, after you're called a murderer for destroying a family that's just started, you find out that Mark has betrayed your trust again, by sleeping with Lexie. And it's just too much. You made a mistake, and now a woman, a wife, a mother, is dead, and you're in so much pain because of it. And Meredith wanted you to protect Lexie from Mark, and you tried, and you _trusted_ him, and you saved a murderer, and you became a murderer, and you'll never be able to trust Mark not to sleep with the women in your life and in your family, and you just _have to_ punch him. And then you do it again. And suddenly, he's on top of you, and it's just like when you were kids, except that you're both angry about things that are so much bigger than Star Wars or Monopoly or the last cookie or the girl you both have a crush on, and this is a real fight, and you're both really hurting each other.

And then you're so sad and hurt and angry and overwhelmed and ashamed and guilty about Jen, about Meredith, about Mark, that you hide out in your trailer until Richard tells you to snap out of it and take control of your life, and until Meredith tells you that you have to be a surgeon again. And then you and Meredith are engaged, and you're so happy, but you still can't talk to Mark. Meredith tells you to stop holding this grudge against your best friend, and she says he's been your best friend for twenty years and then leaves, but you want to tell her that it's been longer than twenty years , that it was much more than twenty years ago that you met and traded baseball cards and became Boy Scouts and built a tree house with your dad and made a secret handshake (which you still remember how to do perfectly, even though it takes about four minutes), that he's been your best friend and your _brother_ for more than twenty years, and suddenly, it's time to operate. With Mark. Who saves the patient. And who thinks you don't value him. And you can't not tell the patient's wife that Mark is the hero here, because Mark has to know that you value him. And then you're going home together and drinking beers and watching the game and it's just like when you were seven and fifteen and twenty and thirty and thirty six, hanging out with your best friend.

And then you're married to the love of your life, and things are perfect with her, and things are great with Mark, and he helps you when you're trying to operate on what can't be an inoperable tumor, and when he wants to know why you can't even tell him why you're the new Chief and you tell him it's not your story to tell, you're glad he knows that he's still the guy you tell your secrets to, even though you're not eight and you no longer care that Mary Hill is pretty or that you failed your math quiz.

And then you're lying on the ground, covered in blood, because you've been shot, just like your dad, and Meredith is screaming and crying and begging you to stay alive for her, and you want to, you really do. And then you wake up from surgery and you ask for her and she's there. And then Mark's there, and he looks so scared, and you know that you're both freaked out that you got shot, just like your dad, but that you're both grateful that, unlike him, you lived. And he keeps visiting you in the hospital, and he helps Meredith get you home and comes to see you there too, and he's the only person you can tell that this reminds you so much of what happened to your dad, and when neither of you can talk anymore about it, and you're thinking about almost dying and about losing your dad, and he's thinking about almost losing you, he says something which makes you both laugh (And this happens until you can't deal with death and almost death anymore, and you have to just get in the care and drive).

A few months later, when you've gone back to work and dealt with Meredith's pain and your joint loss and you're trying so hard to have another baby and Mark has a baby on the way, you find out that his friend and baby are in danger. He's standing in the trauma room begging you to find out how his baby is. You start operating on Callie and you realize that someone who's not operating has to go be with him. You're not sure how much damage Callie's brain has sustained and you have no idea how to tell him, because he's Mark, and you want to spare him this pain. But then Callie's okay, and the baby's okay, and then Mark's a dad, and he stands next to you with his baby while you look at the little girl you want to be your baby, and he tells you he's confident you'll get her.

And then everything falls apart, and you lose Meredith and you lose the trial and you lose _Zola_, and even though you hang out with Owen, because his world's not doing so well either, you can only really tell Mark how you're feeling. And when you take Meredith back but you find out that you've lost Zola forever, he's the one you tell, which helps some, even though you really, really don't want to replace your little girl with his.

And then Zola comes back, and you and Meredith are so happy, and Mark seems happy with Julia, so you're happy for him and start talking to him about their relationship as you operate and play with your daughters. And even though Lexie desperately wants him back (you know this because for reasons you will never understand, you've become her confidante), you tell her that he would leave Julia for her, but only if she tells him how she feels, because you've known Mark since first grade, and you know this about him.

You're caught up in this triangle more and more, as Mark tells you all about Julia and then Lexie, and Lexie tells you all about Mark, and you hope they're going to figure this out one day.

And then you and Mark are getting ready to fly to Boise, and he offers help to Lexie, and you can see they both want each other but have no idea how to actually make that happen. And then you're sitting down on the plane next to Meredith and joking around a little with Mark, who's in front of you.

Suddenly, you're sucked out the window and you smash your hand and Meredith finds you and takes care of you and tells you that Lexie is dead, and none of that matters anymore when Cristina tears open Mark's shirt and sees that he's about to die. You're so scared the whole time, so you focus on telling Mark that it's going to be okay and on making sure that Meredith doesn't stab Mark. She doesn't, of course, and you're so grateful to her for saving him. You get him back to the plane wreck and he's alive, but barely. You spend about a week in the woods, trying to keep Mark alive, and you're scared about him, grateful that Meredith is okay, and worried about your daughter, who might be orphaned for the second time in less than two years (and in the back of your mind, you're a little worried that you might not operate again), before the helicopters finally find you and take you to safety.

That should be the end of the story. Everyone heals and heads home. Except it's not the end at all. Cristina isn't okay, and then when she's released, she leaves Owen (and Meredith) for Minnesota. Arizona's leg is amputated and she's furious at Callie. And Mark…is in a coma.

You may never be a surgeon again, and Meredith's lost her sister (your fifth sister), but you were both in a plane crash, and you're both okay, and your daughter still has a family, so you're grateful and you keep living. You finally move into the new house, you go to PT, you watch Meredith yell at interns, and you visit Mark. You and Callie, Mark's proxies, try to support each other through this, but even though you two will always be good friends after this, and after she's fixed your hand, you both know that neither of you will ever replace Mark as the other's best friend.

His directive says he wants to be let go if there's no change after thirty days, and by day twenty, you're starting to get very worried. Night twenty-five, you pace around the house, trying to decide what to do, and the next day (twenty-six), you talk to Callie, and you both talk to Richard. At the end of the meeting, it's decided that unless something changes in the next four days, you're going to say goodbye to the person who helped you say goodbye to your father (and you can't help but wonder who's going to help you this time).

Day thirty comes. You get up, you go to work, you decide to operate for the first time since the crash so that you can spend a little while today not thinking about the fact that Mark Sloan will cease to be part of your world this evening. You listen to Callie try to wake Mark up by talking about sex and you remember your first wedding day. He was right that day: You will never, ever find another friend as good as he is (was?). You remind him that he always had to be the first, and you think about a lot of the firsts as you head to the scrub room (it's easier to remember good times with Mark than to wonder if your hand's going to be okay). Your hand goes numb during surgery, you leave before you can do any damage to the patient, and you angrily put your splint back on. But you forget about your career (or lack of it) when Richard tells you that it's time to say goodbye.

He explains what's going to happen, turns everything off, extubates Mark, and leaves you and Callie to sit with Mark in his last moments, to grieve for a man who's not quite dead.

Even though you've known Mark might die since Meredith stuck a tube in his chest in the woods, even though you've been pretty sure for at least several days, and even though you've been certain all day long, it is shocking and excruciating and horrifying every time his stats drop lower and lower and lower. And then there's a loud noise, and you know that the only person who has been with you through everything, through first grade and Boy Scouts and fifth grade and band practice (well, you played in the band and he laughed at you) and high school and college and med school and two marriages and a shooting and a child, is gone. You will never work with him again, you will never drink with him again, you will never hang out in daycare with him again, you will never speak with him again. And so you put your hand on his shoulder and cry.

You bury him next to Lexie and you hope they're happy together, wherever they are. You try to support Callie, who's lost her best friend and who's trying not to lose her wife. You try to operate again (it takes months, but eventually you succeed). Some days, you even try not to be so sad. Meredith is there, and she gets it, and she wraps her arms around you at night and checks in with you at work and talks about Zola. She barely mentions that she misses her living best friend, and you notice and you love her for it. And you love her because she's your amazing wife, and your daughter's mother, and a doctor, and she's caring and smart and funny and loving, and you love her because she's alive. And so, even though Mark's dead, you live and love and laugh and make plans because your family's okay.

The only hard part of all of these new plans is that there's no one to tell. You could tell Hunt, and you could tell Callie, but they don't know you like he did. They haven't lived through life with you like he did. And so, when you perform a very advanced procedure, when you and Meredith start to talk about Zola's sibling(s), when you go to the daycare by yourself to watch a second generation of Shepherd and Sloan best friends, when you think of something funny, you want to tell him, and you can't, and it hurts. And so even during the joyous moments of the rest of your life, you miss him, and all you want to do some days is drive out to his grave and tell him, "I was wrong all of those years ago, when I said I was a lesser man for knowing you (although you're pretty sure he always knew you were joking). What I should have said was: I am a greater man for knowing you. I am great _because_ I knew you."

A few years later, you and Meredith bring home a little boy named after your dad and after Mark. And when you show him to Zola and help her hold him, you tell her that there's nothing greater than having a brother.


End file.
